A List

Some of My favorite things:

Dresses

Coffee

Books

Journals (this includes the perfect writing pen)

Films

Vintage Pyrex

Thrift stores

The smell of the library

Nail polish

Old leather shoes

Rings

The look on Kaseys' face when he is asleep

Doctor Who

Weddings

Sun warmed grass under my feet

Puzzles

Graphic novels

The moment when I take yarn in my hand, before it becomes anything

Things colored soft peachy pink

Frozen grape juice

Kisses

The smell of my momma's hair

My Bible

Moths that look like magical butterflies

The sound of a fan

Realizing you haven't looked at the night sky in a long time and letting it suddenly take your breath away

Watching people truly smile

(to be continued)

New blog!

So I am starting another blog to account the journey of my new DIY wedding!

I need help on this re-do guys!

http://heatherfeather-thehandmadebride.blogspot.com/

Wood Sorrel

Today was one of those days where as I sit here endlessly going through Tumblr posts, Doctor Who spoilers, Facebooking, and dream Etsy shopping, I just have this peaceful feeling about what today was.

I went to work, then put on my new dress and just decided today would be wonderful. And it was. We made ribs for dinner. Drove around in our new "baby." This baby being the closet thing we will get to an actual baby for a very long time. This baby is our new 2009 Toyota Yaris. It's Kasey and mine's first ever new car in our whole lives and it's ours. It was exciting, scary, exhilarating, and amazing all at the same time. We prayed and prayed over this car and we know that it is our blessing from God. No more pulling over and praying that the little green Honda will make it a couple of more miles before overheating and smoking. No more, "Do you hear that?" and knowing whatever horrible sound that it is will cost a hundreds of dollar that we do not have. We put the little Honda at the end of the road with $1500 on the window, and the pessimistic attidute of knowing we would have to sell it for scraps, only to have a gentlemen offer us $1400 in cash four hours later. Then there we were at Carmax putting down our hard earned saving on the little bluish silver bundle of joy.

It's amazing and perfect for us and no more, "Do you hear that sound?" We rode around today playing with all the buttons, hidden compartments, and enjoying the truth that it is ours. I want to name it Rory...or Arthur, but Kasey isn't so comfortable with the idea of it being a guy. But it's so darn cute!

Then we ate ribs, ran around the yard in the sun taking pictures, ate wood sorrel as suggested by my niece that it was safe and edible, and just enjoyed the day that was given to us. It was wonderful, I found myself enjoying life in a way I have felt detatched from for a long time now. I know it is the overworked, wedding postponed, emotional downpull of life that has been my daily life here lately.

But today...today was amazing.

Don't Care

I recently came across a pair of white tights with little peach flowers on them. They reminded me of the ones my mother forced me to wear when I was a child. I wore them today with my sheer pale peach dress with the poofy sleeves. This dress is actually a vintage nightie I snagged at Goodwill. Throw a thin brown leather belt on it and *poof* it's a dress! Anyways, it was freezing today and it was the perfect semi-summer-only opportunity I will have to wear them before Autumn. I didn't have much to do today before work, but I couldn't bare to be alone. I overslept, drank a lot of coffee, forced a shower, overlooked the hair-falling-out situation, then told myself to dress up so I would feel better.

I drove down to my favorite thrift store where my favorite thrift store lady told me I hadn't been there in a month...A month? A MONTH!?!? Well...actually that sounds correct. Work, eat, sleep, repeat has been my life for the past month. I went in for some personal shopping time not really thinking about finding anything. I just wanted to lose myself in the discovery, in the racks, in the stories of the beautiful objects, in the conversations around me, in my comforting world of collected things. My favorite thrift store had doubled in volume of stuff in the last month. It was wonderful. There was a late 1960's wedding dress in the window. Before I had the chance to play dress up in it some old lady who runs a rental business snagged it up. I felt really angry about this. That dress would never belong to someone who it was meant for because she would now only rent it to some rich girl who has a taste for vintage clothing.

I went on to discover all clothes were 50% off (too much volume of stuff I suppose) and to my delight I found three dresses on the $1 rack. All different, all late 60's/early 70's, all mine. And then a vintage Samsonite blue stewardess bag, a red leather belt, a pair of 70's lace up boots, and an 80's poofy purple snow coat that perfectly matches my 80's snow pants. All for $9.70.

I left with my little treasures and headed to work to eat before I passed out. I sat down with my mini tuna sandwich when Josh began sweeping the lobby. I heard him laugh and connected it to the fact I was scarfing the sandwich down without breathing.

"I'm starving!" I said through bread, lettuce, and pickles.

"Yeah, I see that, but that's not what I'm laughing at."

"....what?"

"Your tights, you just don't care do you?"

"They have flowers on them!" I exclaimed in defense.

"Yeah...Only you can wear that kind of stuff and just wear it and not care. It's nice. You just don't care." then he walked off.

Josh is different. He is kind of slow, grew up in special classes, regarded as never going to make it high in life, but I love him. He doesn't always do well in social situation or in expressing himself, but when he said that to today I just felt so...me. He didn't me that I don't care in the sense of what people think or anything along those lines. He meant that I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid to be myself.

I express myself through clothing. I love that peach nightie dress because when I wear it I feel the exact way I felt when I would dress up in my grandmas' silking nighties and prance around her house all day long. I wear those tights with the little peach flowers on them because I can remember sitting in church on Sundays, after my mom had forced them on me, and counting the flowers until service was over. I wore those things to be comforted, because I just needed some sense of comfort today. And those kinds of emotions drive the way I dress.

It's how I express things that I don't...that I can't talk about in spoken words.

That is how I "don't care." That is how I am me.

Hot dog, fiddle, dresses, and hospitals

Going to Asheville was supposed to be a trip that feel under completely different circumstances, but your grandma having a stroke on mothers day is never in the plans.

Besides on the emotion, questions, and shock the point is she is alive and WILL recover. As of now the left side of her body has partial body paralysis and her left carotid artery is blocked. Today was my first day off work so I could go see her. Given, momma didn't want me up there when they first moved her. After going to the wrong part of the hospital, twice, we finally made it to her room. She had just gotten back from some two hours test and was out of it. She opened her eyes long enough to see that it was me and ask me how I was doing...

It is so hard seeing her like that. My grandma hasn't always acted as if she is full of energy, but she has always been self sufficient and non-stop talking. Now her body is damaged, she goes in and out of reality, and her face looks broken. I was desperate for her to just come back and start talking about anything normal. I want her to come in my front door and ask me to put it on The Young and the Restless. I want her to nag me. I want her to come into my room and start touching everything in the same way that it has always unnerved me.

I just didn't know what to do. I sat there and listened as my momma and aunt talked on and on. I told grandma that I loved her, then we had to get back so we could get Kasey's dads car back (our car is officially dead). They are moving her to the rehab center back here at home tomorrow so I can go stay with her during the day before I go to work...and she will get better.

Before heading home Kasey took me somewhere he knew would lift my spirits:

Downtown Asheville, Urban Outfitters.

Once we walked the block over from Lexington I just started to fill alive. All the art on the building, the guys playing guitars and fiddles on the corner with their opened cases, the hot dog/lemonaide stand on the other corner, the breeze, the cars, the people...it was wonderful.

Urban Outfitters was empty beside for myself and a couple workers. It was as if the store was all mine. I ran my hands over every necklace, pair of canvas Mary Janes, sunglasses, and dress I could get my fingers on. I settled on this beautiful cream and black polka dotted dress with a velvet black and bow. It was only $9!

This is a sneak peak to how beautiful it will be on me this weekend when me and Kasey go out.
Then as I popped out of the dressing rooms ready to take my beauty home, Kasey handed me this! Ah! There is not another modern album I would want to own and listen to over and over again on vinyl. Oh Zooey, how I love you.
Goodbye, I will see you again.
This is the alley on the backside of Urban Outfitters. I was in love with this wall.

And now I am back home. Back to reality...

In pursuit of the perfect cup

So I decided to have a "me" date today. After the long, stressful, emotional, crazy week I thought I truly deserved a thrift store and food.

I changed five times until I felt like a was wearing the perfect outfit consisting of my red blouse with white horazontal stripes and big bow on the colar tucked into my navy blue polka dot highwaisted swishy skirt.

I listened to Death Cab's new song over and over again as I drove into town to the nearest Goodwill. I was truly praying to find the Rodarte dress from Target that went missing before I could snag one up when they re-released them two months ago. Sadly nothing. Not only that, I couldn't find a stitch of vintage clothing.

Nothing...absolutely nothing. I felt like crying. Not a single dress, shirt, skirt, or pair of shoes. I can always find at least something. I left with a sick feeling in my stomach and a pair of clearance Target tights with little pink flowers on them for $1. I mean sure they were cute, reminded me of the cream tights with flowers my momma would force me to wear with my frilly dresses every Sunday morning as a child, but I just didn't feel satisfied. I wanted to have a a true find, something would inspire me beyond its existence. Like maybe it would inspire me to listen to a song, say something important to someone, crochet something.

I thought I should eat. I saw the Panda Express sign and new I wanted it badly. I got my usual sweetfire chicken, orange chicken, and chowmein. It was cold, chewy...nasty. I thought about complaining, but then I thought to all those people who had cussed me out at work this week over nothing and simply threw it away and left. $6.75, flush toilet.

At this point I thought I should forget about the whole thing and go home, but there was Starbucks. Why not? I am tired of seeing that commercial where the coffee bean go from plant to cup especially for Sue or whoever. It was intriguing and I wanted to see the new logo cups. But here I am with one of the back-stock of the old cups, no new logo, listening to some band no one has ever heard of (this is an exaggeration. I know for a fact it is Beck playing), and loathing the moment I have to leave because that means I have to go to work.

Are the stars not aligned or something? I don't know. I thought being alone and spending time with myself would help, but I keep looking around at these strangers and I long for someone close to me to be here to talk too. I long for a friend, the ones that I love dearest that are so far away from me. I want to close my eyes and wish myself to Milwaukee or Anderson. I want Kasey here with me instead of only having the few minutes during the day where we have a quick passing of conversation before we go our separate ways to our jobs. I don't want these strangers anymore. I want those that I know I love and love me in return. I don't want another face that isn't a face of comfort.

I know this stems from all the hatred, hostility, and the ridiculous behavior I have received from people at work this week.

What is wrong with people?

I'm Diseased

A few days ago I read something that I ignored very much on purpose. I ignored it because it scared me. I ignored it because it was true. I ignored it because it was about me. Accepting the fact that I have many flaws and real problems that I have had to deal with, and still have to on a regular basis, is not something that I am afraid of. The problem with this one particular thing is that it slapped me in the face and put my focus on the fact that I am not doing as well as I thought I was doing.

I have problems with depression. Not to go into to details, I will simply say it's hereditary and I honestly don't like talking about it because it makes me feel seriously ill. I am a recovering anorexic with five years of honest to goodness good health. I'm very proud of the fact I don't count every calorie in obsessiveness anymore, although sometimes numbers fly through my head as I'm eating, but it's hard when I memorized so much back then.

So in the present I am conscious of what I eat, try not to overdo it, but most of all I try not to over think it because if I do I know I will get very sick again. At least this is what I tell myself.

Then came the article that put a flame to my veil of deceit that I had shrouded over my own eyes.

One evil little word that screams sickness: Orthorexia.

With varied descriptions, that don't matter because they all remind me of the truth inside my head, go as follows: Obsession with eating "healthy" foods, foods the eater considers to be clean. Mental obsession over what can be considered as healthy or clean enough to be consumed. This obsession can lead to only eating specific foods prepared in specific ways.

The articals go on, but I didn't need to read them anymore I knew what it was saying. Let me guide you through my orthorexia mind.

Morning: I will have coffee. I love coffee. Only filtered water. One cup, two cups would have way too many calories. One cup is all I need. OK one spoon full of sugar, now measure it carefully. No thats too much on the spoon. Don't put that in the coffee. Start over. OK, thats enough. All natural half and half. One tablespoon.

Now for breakfast. Eggs? No because you will want ham and cook them in butter. No butter. You could cook them in olive oil? No, but them there is the ham which is processed. No eggs. Almonds, raw. A peice of cheese. 8 oz glass of orange juice. Perfect.

Lunch. A sandwich? No bread. No, not the white bread. The whole wheat bread thats all natural. No, no sandwich. Soup? No, processed. Frozen pizza! Read the back...OMG! I don't even know what that is in there. You cannot eat that. Now an hour has passed and I am still pacing the kitchen. This is usually when mom asks me what I am doing, to which I reply trying to find something to eat. Which is turning out to be exhausting work. In the end I have a spoon full of peanut butter and some fruit. These are good, pure things I can eat.

At dinner I am usually at work. I work at a sandwich shop. What is there to eat? Well just make it a repeat of lunch where hours pass by and I am still doing a checks and balance list of every option of food. Usually I settle on a mini roast beef because the roast beef isn't processed. But them I make the mini smaller, a slice of bread from each end. There, that looks better. I fight myself over cheese. No cheese. Cheese, yes...no. OK, ok, cheese. Once slice.

People see me go out to eat though and watch me eat a good ole slice of Mellow Mushroom or a Jakes cheeseburger. Yes I do, but thats only because earlier in the day I had exhausted myself by fighting with myself and had only eaten safe foods so I could allow myself the unsafe foods.

I know...this is crazy, absolutely crazy. It doesn't help that one article considers orthorexia a mental disorder. The thing is I hadn't noticed my routine before. Mostly because its going on inside my own head. Sure I should be alarmed when I keep asking myself, "Why did you eat the cookie? You didn't need the cookie. How badly did you want the cookie? You didn't really want the cookie. You should have saved the cookie for when you really really wanted the cookie, then it would have been worth it. It would have been the right time to eat the cookie." But every woman does that, right? Right?

Right???

But now I can't stop thinking about what I am thinking about. Tonight at dinner I tried to not think about thinking about eating two slice of pizza, but then it's all I could think about. Maybe I shouldn't have got the Kosmic Karma. It had a lot of pesto which added a lot more olive oil, thus a lot more fat to my half. NO! Stop, it was delicious, the end.

I'm not crazy...right?

You Really Got a Hold On Me

I honestly do not know how to start this post.

We'll start with Tuesday. Tuesday morning I woke up determined to go get some serious wedding details finished. With only approx 7 weeks left there are things that must be finished as soon as possible. So I got up, showered, and headed out the door with my momma to getting all the necessary materials for my wedding veil. I wasn't set on having a veil until recently. I was going to make a lace floral hair piece with lace from my mother's wedding dress and a simple face veil. Well I changed my mind, like every bride.

We headed to the fabric store with my huge bridal bag holding my dream dress in the trunk. We found the perfect soft and romantic fabric, the perfect color, and just the soft draping I was wanting to achieve. We also got some lace to finish the bouquets with. Going on some advice from a girl I ran into at the fabric store, we went to CVS to look for the clear hair comb to make the veil on. Of course they would be in a pack of 12, when I only needed one, for $5. Momma pays for her viatimins and her recipte has $5 CVS bucks on it. She smiles and hands the coupon to me, "Guess whats free!?!"

Feeling very accomplished we headed to some thrift stores in town to shop around until I had to go get ready for work. I have been panicking over the stupid bridal bra that I have failed to get over the last year and a half, that now i NEED to go under my dress. It is a nice $80 from Davids Bridal. All of Ebay does not have my size except for one that was $60. But I had just made the decision to suck it up and just buy because I have to have it and my bridals are in two weeks.

Well I thought just for fun I would rifle through the bras. And then...omg, there it was. There it was! A strapless, corset longline, boning bra! In perfect shape, I quickly looked at the tag...my size! I ran to the dressing room and began hooking the endless rows of eyelet hooks. And then it was it! It came to rest right down my hips, low back, and it was $1! ONE DOLLAR! I screamed for momma and when she opened to door and saw it, as she knows the struggle over this bra business, she burst into tears. I too burst into tears of joy.

As I was working I just had this huge sense of peace. Everything was coming together. I had such a blessed day where God was providing everything I needed. It was all really happening. All this planning, over and a year and a half, it was finally coming together. The flowers were finally finished, the girls had their dresses, I had finished the wedding invitations and were going to be sent out on Monday, the guys were going to go get their outfits next week, the reception menu was finished. In about 6 weeks I would be walking down the isle.

I spent most of my shift imagining my veil design that I would start on as soon as I got off work. I got off work and Kasey said he wanted to come see me when I got off. Sure, I wanted to express to him the amazing day I'd had.

He comes over and immediately the conversation takes a turn I didn't expect. I don't remember the exact way the conversation started and how it got to the ultimate ending. I think we were talking about his car. Yes his car had broke for yet the thousand time.

"We need a new car before the wedding."

Then there was something about the apartment/living plans.

"We still haven't found what we can afford and is the right place for us."

Then something about how no one has called back yet on job prospects.

"The three jobs I'm working are not enough. I need stability. I mean we have been waiting for a solid job, but they just haven't been calling."

I felt my face get hot.

"I know we talked about postponing the wedding was the last thing we wanted to do, but I just don't see any other way. We ran out of time..."

"But..."

"We can't expect someone to call the week before the wedding or find somewhere to live the day before. I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with only you..."

"But we..."

"We will just have to wait till after the summer and see where we are then."

And there it was.

We are not getting married on May 21st, 2011. This does not, in no way, mean that we are not getting married. It only means that everything has changed. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that i immediately lashed out at him, but it's expected. I'm hurt, I feel the most let down I have ever felt in my life. I feel an embarrassment that I have never felt.

I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with Kasey, but I never thought that it wouldn't happen when we had worked so hard for this for so long. I didn't think it would take longer than what our plan was. I never expected our wedding to be a causality.

I don't know where to go from here. Prayers, happy thoughts, positive vibes, anything would be nice right now. I feel like curling up and locking myself away for a while. I know thats not the answer, but I just....I just don't know what to do.

Cabury egg kind of night

So here I am again, laying here mindlessly watching something on the Travel Channel and eating a slow dinner of iced animal cookies, girl scout cookies, and a Cadbury egg. I started my night off of work by going through my last couple journals and realizing I had stopped writing in each of them rather abruptly. I then realized that I haven't hand journaled in over three months.

And I feel as if this is the answer to a lot of my recent battles with myself. I haven't talking to myself. I am not the kind of person who goes to someone and confides in them what I am going through. I hold everything in, shut everyone out. I will deal with it myself. I don't let people in because that causes a greater risk of...everything. Judgement, rejection, isolation, pain, the list goes on. So for years I have journaled everything to myself as my main outlet. For months now I have been going crazy with high and lows. I know now it's because I haven't been expressing myself, truly expressing myself.

Time for that to change. Tonight amidst Man vs Food and a high calorie dinner, I have started back. It feels so good to have a pen in my hand, paper against my skin, and a constant stream of all the words and emotion that are usually swimming around in my head.

I spent my day off running errands in the rain; and the unexpected cold. The bright side: I got to wear my yellow rain boots and splash in every puddle I came across. Mostly it was mundane daily tasks: grocery shopping, run by the bank, pick up the strawberries I left at work, go by the thrift store and look for a nice vintage lamp to replace my lamp that I have had since I was 13yrs old that finally felt apart, pick up Mallory from school, then I just drove around in the rain for a while. It felt nice to be alone and the sound of the rain to calm my thoughts, my fear, my endless noise. I focused on the important things with an easy way of thinking about them instead of letting them cause me to panic. The wedding, the reception, apartment hunting, Kasey's job prospects, finding a new car, laundry, the culinary program I desperately want to get in to...Katie's 21st birthday is tomorrow, which I remembered on this drive. I pulled into Food Lion to buy the necessary cake materials. I am making her five layered rainbow cake with fluffy white icing and rainbow sprinkles. As I began to pick out the food dye I discovered this was the most excited I have been over anything in a while. Something simple: making a wonderfully joyous childlike cake for a great friend. Then I started thinking about this past Sunday when Kasey and I visited the church Katie is going to and she sang with Pastor Nole. I started thinking of how I cried, how the words she was singing gave me my answer:

"And He is jealous from me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy, when all of the sudden I am aware of these afflictions, eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affection are for me. Oh how He loves us, yeah, He loves us."

I just want to be loved. Doesn't that sound contrite? But it's true. I want to be loved, and it's me that chooses, chooses, to let everything get in the way of those who do love me. I don't believe they love me, won't them love me, because I don't always love me. So I stood with a bottle of sprinkles in my hands on the cake isle letting all of this sink in before heading home, which brings us to the journals, the Travel channel, and the cookies.

I know most of this emotion was brought on by the many experiences of the weekend. The horrible and the wonderful. Now I will eat my last animal cookie, wait for Kasey's call, be the first to wish Katie a happy birthday, and see where my pen takes me tonight.

Accordion Street Music

So this morning I laid in bed for a good thirty minute after initially waking up from my slumber. Last night, after I got home from work and took an extremely shower, I jumped back in the car and started driving. Even though I was exhausted from work, I just wanted to go somewhere. I ended up in Hickory meeting up with Katie where I finally found a pair of brown strappy ankle cuff sandals at Target for a sweet $10. As we walked around T.J. Maxx I started to get panicky with the amount of people crowding the store and every other store we went into. I then realized that everyone has their tax money back and plan to spend every dime of it ASAP. Mine is in savings; where it belongs. And no, T.J. Maxx, I do not think that $29.99 for a pair of flats qualifies as a clearance price.

We ended up at Amos Howards for beer pattered onion rings, BBQ sandwiches, and Raspberry Wheat Hefe Weizen...and to be annoyed by the table of drunk guys that were sitting behind us. I don't mind people drinking, but when you are so drunk that you nearly send my drink into the floor because your crutches go crashing into my table then I do have a problem. Drunk on crutches...seriously?

Back to this morning: I noticed a rich yellow glow go across my floor then light up my entire room. I sleepily walked to my window and cracked open the blinds to be engulfed in the sun. It was amazing. The sun was literally bursting. It reminded me of a blooming flower. The sight only last a few moments before the sun went back to its normal bright glow with the shadowy clouds moving in. It was a beautiful way to start my Sunday with a visual interpretation of "Here Comes the Sun," which I sang to the empty kitchen as I made my french press of coffee.

After settling in with my mug Kasey called to tell me to get in the shower, get ready in thirty minutes, we were going to Asheville. Not only was I getting a surprise trip to one of my favorite places in the world, we were going to get to see Anthony whom we haven't seen in almost two years. Needless to say, in the shower I went and was sparkling clean and dressed in less than thirty minutes. The ride up there was wonderful. Kasey I talked about God, friends, work, Ke$ha verses Lady Gaga, wedding plans, the looming honeymoon details, and mill houses. It was nice because during the week we really don't have time for simply catching up since we are always back and forth between work and are never on the same schedule. We fought about where the Starbucks was truly located that we were meeting Anthony at, then once we did find the Starbucks we wondered why we at Starbucks since we were in Asheville and should have been at Green Sage, Asheville City Bakery, French Board Chocolate Lounge, or any number of our favorite coffee places that we only visit a few times a year.

We decided just to wait on Anthony to get there and in the meantime order something. Kasey had his normal unsweetened Tazo black tea and I opted for the darkest roast they had. Mini vanilla bean scone for me, lemon iced pound cake for Kasey. Then we sat and talked. It was strange, but it felt like we were on a date. Which after three and a half years we don't have time like that together anymore. I think working toward our lives together, saving money for our future, planning for the wedding, and the headache of the repeating work days keeps us from enjoying each other. It was nice to let one random topic float to the next. Once Anthony got there we caught up for a few hours before heading down town to walk around in my favorite city in NC. I headed straight into Urban Outfitters. I know, I know I am an avid thrifter, but Urban Outfitters is just...I love the floral patterns, the oxfords, the pastel and earth tone colors, the lomography cameras, the leather satchel bags, the owls everywhere! And for months all I ever do is waste hours on their website dreaming about how this or that would become a part of my body. As soon as I walked in I began touching everything. As much as I loved everything my eyes fell on I knew I wouldn't buy a single thing unless it was dirt cheap. So upstairs I went to the sale section where my heart leaped in joy when I saw the sign that said to take another 30% off of the sale price. SCORE! And then I saw them, the fabric floral printed Mary Janes I had wanted back in the summer…and they were $7. I quickly fought my way to them and snatched up a pair of size sevens. I am glad I did this is such a fighting way since as soon as I brought attention to them about ten girls started on them with their eager hands. But these were mine, all mine, in complete affordability, and perfectly my size.

As we walked up and down the streets we came across four guys playing their hearts out in front of The Earth Guild. An accordion, a guitar with a harmonica around his neck, a clarinet, and the last guy had a flute or something. People were gathering around as they were putting every part of their souls into what they were putting out into the air. I didn’t recognize the songs, but I was enthralled with the sounds. It was beautiful. It made me want to cry the same way I want to cry every time I listen to “Across the Universe.” There is just something there that breaks your heart in a way that isn’t sad. And I realized this is what I am always searching for at home when I want to experience myself. I want to be in a place where people just start playing with their souls on the sidewalk. I walked up as their song was ending and threw a dollar into their open accordion case and silently thanked them inside.

This day ended with trying something new. We walked past a place you would miss if you blinked. I looked inside the window and saw a dessert cooler and popped inside. With a name like Old English, it had to be good. Must try everything!!!

We decided on a slice of Raspberry Barvarian, Tiramisu, and a Espresso Dark Chocolate Shortbread cookie.

Here is to more days where I discover how much I enjoy who I am, who I have to share this life with, and just how breathtaking it is is to wake up and see the sun bursting through the sky into my tiny bedroom window.

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

I constantly feel like I need to go somewhere else to feel like me or experience something that makes me feel like me. For some reason I do not believe that being in the place in which I live my everyday life will let me be me. I don't attribute it to the classic "I don't belong here syndrome." I simply think that I constantly project what I want to experience onto other places besides the place that I actually exist. So yesterday I decided that I was going to go experience me right smack in the middle of where I am. I got up early, took a shower, put on my favorite dress, plugged in The Killers, and set off five miles down the road to Valdese. I parked and just started walking.

Little cute Valdese with its Antique stores lining Main Street, beauty shops, thrift stores, and the random doll store that scares the living crap out of me. This is where I would be me for the day. So I walked and walked up and back down Main Street in the sun. I floated in and out of the Antique stores that I usually never visit since most of their items are thrifted and jacked up in price. But every once in a while I would catch the reflection of this girl, woman now, in the mirrors I thought of how much I liked her. I saw me and I really loved the me looking back. I found a few old suitcases, a pair of penny loafers/oxfords, an old moose pendant necklace, and was really just enjoying the findings. I was enjoying speaking to the shop owners, I bought myself a mini sourdough BBQ sandwich and sat out in the sun to enjoy it, I bought a hat, I sang "I Want to Hold Your Hand" as I walked to fountain, and I loved the company of me.

I think I should spend more time with myself.

Floral Cupcake

I know I have been neglecting this blog completely. It was such a wonderful project that I really, really want to continue when I figure out how to plan the right times to dedicate my full attention into updating. I'm still thrifting all the time and I really want to share all of my AMAZING finds.

As for right now I am posting some detailed pics of the Forever 21 dress I snagged at Ross clothing store for $10 this week! It reminds me of these super cute cupcakes, hence the title:

These are for Jen so she can make her own version!

Anyways I am off to thrift for some birthday presents and a few odds and ends that I was drooling over yesterday.

Hopefully I will back with some updates sooner rather than later...